Once again, I’ve been pacing the place, repeating to myself that I need to get my shit together, drinking too much again.; need to replace it with something. So, I need to write stuff again. After two days of calling off work because I just can’t get out of bed, I’m going in to the office tomorrow. There will be a lot of emails…
I want to just jot down my recent hatred of emails, get used to organizing thoughts again, and see that if by doing so, I might be able to glean something from them.
Since about April of last year, I have been steadily hating emails. My job is basically all through email and I hate it. I walk in every morning to anywhere from 50 (a good day) to 150 unread emails that I have to sift through and organize. And then they just keep coming in all day after that. Each alert like a dripping of a sink that keeps you awake. I know they aren’t sent with malice, but my temper flares each time a new email comes in.
My inbox always has at least 1,000 emails just sitting in there that I have no time to go through and simply delete. So, I always have a ton of mental baggage in the back of my head that depresses me when I remember it. Tomorrow, I expect to have more than 300 emails to go through and I’m not happy about it.
I just got back from taking a walk and, knowing that I have to work tomorrow, images of the Windows Outlook interface flashed into my mind with all it’s unorganized, unending chaos of requests and instructions in a mixture of blue highlighting, white walls and red flags; this, in addition to the myriad of folders to the left, burgeoning with tasks in a queue that I have no idea when I’ll have time for. Remembering this hurts my mood like a shock of pain from a decaying tooth, reminding me of a problem I don’t wish to address.
My own personal email is annoying as well. When I hear people say they go through their personal email and delete them, I can’t understand spending my time doing it. On my phone, I have 27,594 unread emails. It’s my little digital garage full of shit that I don’t want to clean out. It’s all garbage.
I’m sure there’s a lot to be said about the whole “technology is meant to help us but stresses us out” idea, but I’m not going to talk about that here. Not because I don’t believe it, but because it’s been said by many others already and any reader can extrapolate that from what they’re reading here.
Now, how can I address this problem? Colleagues at work tell me I need to just go through and delete things that I don’t need. Well yeah, I know that. My issue with my job is that (and I say this to them often) “I literally do not have time to even delete emails.” My workload really sucks. They tell me I can work through my lunch and just get caught up with emails, but I want to get the hell out of there for an hour and not keep working. They tell me I can work a few hours after work here and there to catch up and my overtime for that would be approved. Ok, that might help a little, but then I feel like I can just work forever to catch up too! After a full day of a job I hate and a long commute, I do not want to look at the Outlook screen at all.
I guess to come full circle, this is what I need to sort out: I hate my job. I need a new one. I drink because I’m depressed and one reason that I’m depressed is that I have my job. When I got this position, I knew it would suck. But I got a massive raise and I do have good insurance. I quit going to school during COVID, so it made sense to just follow the path of this job. After a month or so of me realizing it sucks, it gave myself two years to save a lot of money and try to come up with a plan. I’ve been saving but I have not plan…
Well, feels good to have written something for this, even though it’s nothing that special. Wish me luck, maybe tomorrow I can delete 1,000 emails and feel lighter and happier. This is probably a bit clunky because I haven’t written anything in a long time. Not saying I was amazing at it before, but I was getting better. Anyway, Daphne Chicago will live on inshallah.