Parking Lot Philosophy

By Joe

A small, mouthy bird is standing by his car in a parking lot.  It’s almost 11:00 PM.  The parking lot lights are still on but will go out soon as they are on a timer.  Finally, a rambunctious dog walks out of the door of the massive hardware store that sells everything from lumber to Bloody Mary Mix and begins walking to his car which is parked next to the small, mouthy bird’s car.

The small, mouthy BIRD: Finally!  What were you doing in there?

The rambunctious DOG: They wouldn’t let me leave! [The Manager] said I had to get all the garbage to the back before I could clock out.

BIRD: That couldn’t wait til morning, huh?

DOG:  Apparently not!  God, this place is retarded!  I’m so sick of working here.  Between here, school, my bitch…it’s…it’s too much.  I just wish I had a house already.  My own house, with a ton of land.  So I could do whatever I wanted and run all over the place.

BIRD: (laughing) Well when do you think that’ll be?

DOG: (dejectedly) I don’t know, man.  Sometimes, I honestly think that’ll never happen…

BIRD: (jokingly) Yeah, you should just kill yourself.  It’s the only answer.

DOG: That’s stupid!

BIRD: Is it?

DOG: Yes.  I would never kill myself.  (stands up tall and sticks out chest) That’s for cowards.

BIRD: Why?  Why is killing yourself cowardly?

DOG: It just is.  It’s for people who can’t face life.  Now, I’m not gonna lie to you, sometimes I don’t want to face my life and I wish things could be different, but I wouldn’t – (a pair of motorcycles drive down the road in front of the parking lot, distracting the dog) …oh that’s a Suzuki GSXR.  They call ‘em ‘Gixers’ haha…they’re ok but they’re too overpriced.  They’re just for looks.  You could get a –

BIRD: I don’t give a shit, dude – I wanna talk about suicide.  I don’t care about motorcycles I’ll never buy anyway.

DOG: OK. Sorry.

BIRD: So why’s it cowardly?

DOG: Because it’s just giving up.

BIRD: But what if you see your life as something you want no part of, that it has nothing to offer you? Like being in a store and not wanting to buy a single item.  Just walk out of the store.  Just kill yourself.  So if you feel that way and you want to just leave life, wouldn’t not killing yourself be cowardly?  Like seeing a beautiful girl you have a crush on everyday, like what’s-her-name inside.  Walking past her everyday, wanting to ask her out, knowing that even just asking and hearing either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is better than another day of not doing it, and yet, you don’t do it.  It’s cowardly.

DOG: Yeah, I guess.

BIRD:  It’s cowardly to not do the one act you feel you should do.

DOG:  Yeah, well there’s tons of things you may think you should do that you probably shouldn’t.

BIRD:  Yes, I saw that as I was saying that.  But that’s just digging into an analogy to deconstruct it.  What about this: You ride your motorcycle, ok?

DOG: Ok, like imagine I’m riding it?

BIRD: Yes.

DOG: Ok.

BIRD: Would you say it takes more bravery to go fast or slow?

DOG: Fast.

BIRD: And that the faster you go, the more guts it takes?

DOG: Well yeah.

BIRD:  It’s also more dangerous, too, right?

DOG: Yeah

BIRD:  Why?

DOG: Because you could die?

BIRD:  Right.  So, it takes guts, or bravery, to go faster on a motorcycle.  The faster you go, the more dangerous it is.  It’s more dangerous because you could potentially crash and die.  So we’re in a situation where the closer you get to death, the braver, and less cowardly, you are.  So why is going straight to death cowardly?  Also, perhaps the life of a suicidal person is like a motorcycle ride going faster and faster until…

DOG: Well hang on, there’s a lot there.  I see what you’re saying, but going fast on a motorcycle is only “brave” because, ideally, you don’t want to die and I guess we could look at it like this: the getting close to death is the brave thing.  It’s that you could potentially die, but don’t, that makes it a brave act.

BIRD: Courting death?

DOG: Yes. Courting death.

(The lights go out)

DOG: Jesus, that freaked me out.

BIRD: Yeah me too.

DOG: Well look I gotta go. I gotta go to school in the morning and if I don’t go to bed early, I’ll have no time in the morning and I’ll be driving to school starving and I won’t be able to focus and I’ll be scribbling down notes just trying to keep up [large sigh]. Oh god and then I gotta run home, shower, shit, hurry up and eat something, anything, then drive to work and, Oh God, (slight chuckle) I hate this job.  I’m just out in the sun all day and for what? Nothing! These people that come in here are retarded idiots who need help with every little thing.  And I won’t even get a lunch tomorrow cuz I’m only scheduled for six hours and –

BIRD:  You should just kill yourself.

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